I missed you.....

it's been months now... but still i don know how to say.. i cant feel anything.... but still i cared for you...i couldnt post everything cause we are friends... i just don know lar..i felt happy caused at least we can talk like normal.. but... we cant talk the way we used to be.. you join them alot.. im not jealous..or mayb i am... mayb i'm just hurt cause we used to play all the time,fight all the time.teasing each other...but now.. we are like... strangers.... no matter what i do now.. i think before i do....cause i really really scared it will be repeated once more... i'm afraid tht other ppl will be hurt like you did.... but now.. i see you... you seems like you move on.. i'm glad of course... but sometimes when i read those post.. i wonder are you scolding me? are you saying me?? mayb i just think too much or just bps... but seriously i really do think tht.. sometimes i couldnt chat with you cause i feel like im bringing you pain......i don dare to go near anyone..... haiz... i'm just sorry... i'm just a simple minded which acts so stupidly and regret with my own acts at last... i'm sorry..... you don know how much i wanna tell you this...... you will nvr know how pain it was....... the scar will always be there..... and thanks for letting me understand all this...if it's not you.... i wouldnt know wat is this......

miserable self..

there are times tht you wanna voice out what is in your mind... what is in your heart..it's so hard to voice out..you might hurt ppl's feeling by saying it out and tht's the time you have to keep everything to yourself..the pain is even more painful than you can imagine..the pain is so unbearable..after crying i'll get a nice sleep cause crying,depressed,tension, and everything that hurts me...i felt a heartbroken oce.. i don know whether is it a heartbroken or i'm hurt... aren't i'm dumb?i cat even differentiate what feeling is that... seriously i'm not matured to say the truth..everybody treating me like a kid..i wonder when is my time to grow up...and why i'm not matured yet...do i have to go through a painful experience to egt matured? there's always a way isn't it other tan taking a road like that..people understand the way i act and everything... but still they wouldnt understand the completely me..of course i dont expect people to understand me soo much.. even my parents don know myself so well...and not only them even myself.... i don know wat i wan...when it comes to love i seriously don know how to differentiate... i messages alot with people around me..i know one of my habit is tht once i trust this person tht i know...i'll stick to them alot..cause the fact is i trust them by the way they act..the way they talk,the way they would care for you...it's not tht i wan you to have the wrong concept...but it's true tht i treat everyone like tht..when i trust you... i don care whether you're a girl or a boy... i trust you because my heart says so tht i could trust you..i seriously don see you as a guy or a girl...you don know how happy am i tht i always mention the ppl i mix around in front of my mum,my friends because i wan them to know you're a great friend to me..and i hated the most tht ppl keep saying you like him or he like you.. you know.. sometimes when you think about it..you'll be afraid of him cause you afraid he might really think so..and you'll feel embarassed to play with them like usual..you couldnt even talk to him properl and there is where you might get the wrong message tht you like him..or mayb you did like him.. just tht you don admit it.. i am tht kind of person tht ppl cnt tell me how i feel or how they feel..cause i easily fall for it..it happens to me ALL the time..and i'm afraid of hurting and being hurt..this is why most of the time i reject ppl's feelings..but so far...the only true confession is from him..hahahaha...i'm amazed actually..i didnt know...i seriously didnt know tht my attitude could turn out like tht...if i knew i wouldnt do tht from the start.. i would have keep myself quiet.. think nothing but studies..but i couldnt because this is my trueself...i couldnt survive without ppl around me...i always need helps from ppl because i'm just a weakling....i don know what should i do.... i'm training myself to be strong now...i'm trying not to depends on others..i wont voice anything out from now on so ppl doesnt know how i feel...from now on no more emo tweets on twitter... no more emo status on facebook... this might be the last one...i'll just voice out in here...thanks blog....i've talk to much today...

just my past.....



it's been 5 months since A-Level started...within this 5 months too many things happen to me.....i just couldnt concentrate anything.....i treasure my friendship alot... but all i did in the past was hurting ppl around me.Eventhough i couldnt do anything to make them feel better... it's all my fault....i'm sorry.. i wish i could change the situation if the time is back to the past...i'll undo my mistake so i wont give you pain..you know how much i regret for hurting people around me.. now tht i wish all of us could just talk and i know it's so hard to let that happen..that's my biggest regret to let go a great friend like you...you lied to me..my friend scolded you and when you told me she didnt said anything and just say hi...i knew something is wrong back there..i knew her more than you do..of course i know it's a lie..until now i still don understand why you still did so many things after i said no? or mayb it's my fault for still grabbing you and hurt you even more...i'm really sorry....you don know how much i regret for doing tht...but one thing i really wish until now.....is tht we can just talk again like normal... i know you wouldnt be able to read this though...but i still hope for it.. i'm trying to make some outings..so tht all of us can be back all over again how all of us used to be..i know it's stupid but...i have no choice..but...everytime i plan.. no one will give respond to it..am i annoying...i feel i being hated by everybody now.....i just feel tht.....i feel it's so hard to get along with ppl around me already...and all i do is hurt ppl and then hurt myself.....i just don know wat should i do...just tell me what should i do.... i could only voice out my pain here... no one knows.. and no one cares..it's better this way....